Essays vs. ADD

I have, through a number of stupid online tests, diagnosed myself with ADD. 
And I wish I could say I was kidding, wish I could say it's a joke, wish I could say I'm over exaggerating, but I am not. I have, several times, tried to explain my situation to my mum, but the woman says, "You're too smart for that." I doubt I'm the only one that can say this makes no sense. I have come to learn that people with ADD and ADHD are experts at math, for whatever reason. Throughout my childhood I have been placed in advanced math classes. Coincidence? I think not. 
But the fact that I do well with arithmetic means next to nothing. 
Time for elaboration:
My mind is ALWAYS wandering. Especially from things that I find uninteresting or difficult.
I have a VERY difficult time reading material that isn't interesting fairly easy.
Especially in groups, it's hard for me to stay focused on what is being said in conversations.
Do I have a quick temper? Yes. And I forgive and forget almost instantly- because I can't at all help it.
I can get annoyed by the strangest, littlest things.
I say things without thinking, and as soon as I speak, I regret having said anything at all. The only excuse I have come up with for this is that I talk just to make a sound, because half the time, I don't even mean what I say.
My moods have their highs, and their lows.
I have THE MOST DIFFICULT TIME planning in what order to do a series of tasks or activites. I'm horrible at it. 
I answer questions before the question is fully asked. This actually happens quite frequently. I usually say "no" or ask "what?" instantly. 
I'm working on many many projects currently, and none are getting done.
There is a lot of static and chatter in my head, like a tv has all the channels on. QQQWWWIIISHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
My mind gets ssssoooo cluttered, that it literally is hard for me to function. It honestly keeps me up at night; I have trouble sleeping because of it.
My thoughts bounce around in my mind like a ball in a pinball machine.
I NEVER STOP DAYDREAMING... Sometimes, that's all I do, AND I AM UNABLE TO DO ANYTHING AT ALL BECAUSE OF IT.
I am wholly distressed by the disorganized way my brain works.
I wish I could get help with this, because I believe my life could be SO MUCH BETTER if I could get my head on straight. Honestly, I feel like a piece of shit filler-to-the-world of a person, and am extremely terrified that I will never make a move to accomplish my goals. That I'm just floating along with no real destination except what is given to me, and nothing more. I (of course) dream bigger than myself. It's that damn daydreaming. Just the thought of clear thinking, to be more determined and set straight... The mere  thought excites me. 
Today, I stared at the computer screen for over an hour, trying to think of what words to use in my essay, on a damn book I haven't even read half of, and I became so frustrated with not knowing what the hell to put, because I cannot stay focused for the life of me. It really upsets me. I should be working on it know, but I'm still lost for words. Still worth a try


Au revoir, les amis.(:

An Addiction

Off the pill?
What pill?
Anti depression pill. 
And glad to be.
Though it made me feel in a giddy mood when I took it...
Well, that's why I'm glad I stopped.
It made me feel sort of 'high' when I took more than I was supposed to.
I would take 300, sometimes even 450 mg a day, though 150 was my prescribed dosage.
I had convinced myself and my doctor that I still was not well, and that my dosage should be upped from 150 to 300, in hopes that I would be able to take even MORE once my body got accustomed to 300 mg per day. But I had a slight suprise when the actual pill changed, from a little purple thing, which contained 150 mg, to a white one, which contained 300 mg. I honestly thought that I'd have to take two purple ones instead of this new one every morning- that that would be the only change. Even the side effects were different. They didn't make me feel very giddy anymore. I just got absolutely terrible stomach aches. So, I stopped taking the pills alltogether. Aside from when I'm on my period (aren't I so open?), or when a bad event happens, I don't feel like a depressed piece of crap anymore.;D I don't think my doctor knows this yet, because I have not been to an appointment recently. She'll be proud of me, I'm sure.(:

Au revoir, les amis.(:

Socially awkward

I am. Very.
I guess I just don't know how to interact with people very well.
My fault?
I blame my parrents.
For not letting me go to preschool, for keeping me home all the time, especially in my early years. I believe that it was that specific habitat that formed me to be this way. To be this shy. Sure, I have my moments when I reach out to others, outside of my comfort zone, but most of the time, I... Just don't know how to interact with others.
Maybe I just spend too much time by myself.
Lonerrrr.
But alas, I do have friends, friends that I love and can be myself around, and who love me for myself.(:
What a great life.:D
I'm not being concited, but people just love me.
My awkwardness is a part of me, and, like the rest of me, is kinda awesome.(:
Au revoir, les amis.(;

Makeup vs. No Makeup?

I usually only ever wear eyeliner. The occasional mascara too. 
I never really got into makeup/ cosmetics/ whatever. I don't know whether it's because i was never taught how to properly apply it, or because I just don't care. 


Probably the second reason. 


BUT I did recently buy a palette of eyeshadow, because it was cheap, and there were so many colors! If I were to put on eyeshadow, I wouldn't be able to to wear it without it being some work of 'art', 'cause that's how I sees it. Does that even make sense? 


Au revoir, les amis.(:

I don't enjoy the same music as you

I like my own, and I think it's a pretty interesting collection thus far. But how to describe my taste in music? Best words to describe it would probably be: Indie, Alternative, Experimental, Eclectic, British Rock, Folk, Indie Rock, Oldies, Psychedelic, and so on... Oh, did I mention Indie?(;


Currently, as most people know, (or at least should know) Modest Mouse is my absolute favorite. Whenever people tell me they don't know who Modest Mouse is, don't know who Issac Brock is, I usually look at them like there's a giant squid on their face. I just don't understand how people can go through life without experiencing Modest Mouse. <333 


Other favorites of mine include: Bright Eyes, The Gorillaz, The Rakes, MGMT, OK Go, Givers, NeverShoutNever, Vampire Weekend, The Temper Trap, Daughter, Superchick, The Mountain Goats, Danielle Ate the Sandwich, Pink Floyd, The Killers, Grizzly Bear, Beck, Blur, Calvin Harris, North of Ping Pong, The White Stripes, Matt & Kim, Jape.... Shite like that; must I go on?(:


I'm not really into the music most of my friends listen to. I'm not going to pretend that I do in attempt to 'fit in'. I dislike screamo. I dislike hiphop pop and rap shit. I don't really enjoy many female singers. I'm not sure why. But there are some songs in these areas that I deem decent. 


I feel weird when my friends are playing music and singing along to any certain song that I'm not really familiar with. I sing along to my own music.(: I plug in my iPod, and, as others get to experience my *cough awesome cough* music, I sing 'I WAS BORN A UNICORN, I MISSED THE ARK AND I COULD HAVE SWORN, YOU'D WAIT FOR MEEEE' or 'A NICE HEART AND A WHITE SUIT AND A BABY BLUE SEDAN, AND I AM DOING THE BEST THAT I CAN'.. I sing it loud, and I sing it proud.(: I sing a lot louder when I'm at home, by myself. I haven't gotten any complaints from the neighbors, yet.


I really love it when I put my iPod on shuffle, and it plays a perfect combination of songs to fit my current mood. It's like a drug for me, because it just makes me feel amazing, and I nod my head, and tap my feet, and smile like the dork I am.(:


Au revoir, les amis.(:

Nobody knows me like my coworkers...

I am the most myself at work.
But, what is myself? 
Silly. Weird. Obnoxious. Angry. Lighthearted. Mischievous. Downright odd. Must I go on?
I only wish I was always comfortable to act my true self, instead of the shy awkward person many people know me as. 
Yup.
But, I guess being shy and awkward is also me being myself.. 
Just not the side of me that I prefer.


Au revoir, les amis.(:

Never learned to...? Semi-ashamed.

I confess, I have never learned to swim under water, while holding my breath, without the use of a hand or nose clamp thinger to keep my nose closed.): 
Kiiinda embarrassing to me.
So to compensate I sort of had to learn to swim well with the use of only one arm. 
I think I can still swim pretty quickly my way. 
I don't know why I never learned. 
It may be because nobody every took the time to teach me. 
I would like to be able to swim under water without having to hold my nose shut, but I'm unable to. 
*Sigh...


Au revoir, les amis!(:

Can't believe I forgot to mention an obvious!

The end of this month will mark a year- since I've shaved my legs. Or.. Haven't shaved my legs.. Whatever, I got about a year's worth of hair growth on my legs, sexy.(; 


Many people ask WHHHYYY?? And honestly, I tell them I don't remember why anymore. Call it laziness. Call me a freak. Call me whatever, I love my boy-legs.(x 


I think it was originally to participate No Shave November, then I began thinking, "why do I shave my legs?" Seriously, WHY is it generally socially unacceptable amongst people for girls not to shave their legs? I remember this hippy girl I used to be friends with, and she usually wore pants, so I was shocked one  day when she wore a skirt and I saw her hairy legs. I also admired her bravery to stand out, and several years later, after she and I had went our separate ways as fate directed, I thought of her, in regards to my situation. If she could do it.. or, not do it... If she could be free, so could I! Now, I'm not calling myself a hippie, but seriously, whooo caress? It's probably just a phase of mine, we'll see how long it lasts. And hey, I AM saving monies by not shaving my legs, ya know!(: 


Some people get freaked out by it, some people think it is totally awesome and ask to feel my legs, I find either very humorous.(x My mum hates it.;D I remember on one occasion a girl was sort of standing up for me when in my frustration I was trying to explain, or more so ask, why do girls 'have' to shave their legs? This person was saying that ladies began during the depression, when there was a shortage of nylons, and also painted a line down the back of their legs to make it appear that they were wearing nylons- so HA.(:


Why don't all men shave their armpits? Even I think that's gross! When a guy puts his arm up, and there's  like, a wing of armpit hair just hanging out- like, EW. I wonder if that makes me a hypocrite? I think I'm making wayyy to big a deal of this than I should be. Ahh, well.


Au revoir, les amis.(;

I sometimes fear that I will never be truly happy

And I'm horribly honest about this. I often feel like I will NEVER be content. Sometimes I purchase things thinking that they will better my life in some way, or bring some joy to me, and sure they may- for a short period of time. Then those items just become burdens to me, in most cases, especially when it goes on neglected and I keep thinking in the back of my mind "why did I waste money on that when I don't even use it, and could have saved that money for something else?" 


I have a really tough decision when I'm buying things, because I wonder whether or not I will be satisfied with the purchase. Like today. My checking account had about 1250, but now has... ohh, 1000ish? Yup. It took me HOURS to finally hit the 'Submit Purchase' button. No joke. And it's because of the previously mentioned reasons. I am now expecting several things in the mail. Will it all be worth it? I sure as hell hope so. 


So the main reason why I think I will never be happy is because of ALL THESE THINGS- these things in life that just hang around and take up space. I should like to rid of a lot of it- I plan to do so when I repaint my room. Hopefully I am able to let go of useless shit! Somehow, I am doubtful about that, sadly./: BUT NO! I will try my best! And why? (I am mostly aiming this question towards myself) Because THAT'S WHAT I IMMENSELY WANT.(:


The times that I AM truly, sincerely happy is when I'm with friends! On adventures! Doing stupid shit!(: There is absolutely nothing that I can think of that is better. They are the good times- best times, of my life.(: 


And that's another truth, confession of mine.


Au revoir, les amis!

Guitar fetish

I'm not going to deny
what I can't hide.(;
It's a thing that developed over time. When I got my first guitar, I enjoyed playing it, (chords more so than individual notes) but wasn't yet avid and intrigued by  guitars as I am today. So I can't say exactly when I became so in love with guitars- playing them, listening to others play, and simply looking at them.
I myself now own three- a smaller sized one which I received when I was around thirteen or possibly younger- and not one of those dinky 'my first guitar' child ones either. My second one I bought at the end of sophomore year for two hundred bucks from a girl that was in my ceramics class that didn't play it but maybe twice: her parents bought it for her for Christmas for about four hundred and fifty dollars. That saddens me, when people have something as beautiful as a guitar and just let it sit- it's such a waste.): The beaut is a large Washburn, with such a wonderful loud sound, compared to my first guitar. My third and most recent guitar is a sunburst colored Epiphone, pre-owned. I got that one for one hundred bucks.(: My mum hasn't yet let me get an amp, BUT my (awesome) uncle says that he may have one that I may borrow; might bring it over tomorrow, hopefully.(: 
Like I said before, I LOVE guitars, even though I'm nowhere near being an expert player, I mostly make up my own melodies. Two weeks ago a friend of mine was at my house, and I was transfixed on the music he produced so easily, watching his fingers move up and down the neck. I can't describe how amazing it was, besides that there was so much talent that I wanted to vomit. And yes, that was supposed to be flattering.(x 
In my physics class the teacher has a guitar that is kept in the front of the room, and I've often thought of asking him if I may play it. It taunts me. But the past two days it hasn't been there, and I found that kind of upsetting./: I want to hold it. I want to tune it. I want to play it! To listen to it's sound, to feel the glossy woo- ...I think I'm getting a bit carried away...
Sometimes while listening to my iPod, I focus on only the sound of the guitar(s), turning the volume way up so that the wonderful noise becomes me, all throughout my mind and every inch of my being- I get the shivers from it sometimes, and it is simply amazing.


Au revoir, les amis!(:

I used to punch myself.

Discretion is advised for the proceeding confession. Thank you.(:


The title refers to my stomach, more specifically. And I had a reason, though it was pretty unreasonable. I heard rumor when I was a couple years younger, that people could catch diseases from toilet seats, and that a person (well, a female, of course) got pregnant via le toilet seat. So when I missed my period for 2 plus months, I began to get fearful that  I somehow magically got pregnant, so I punched my stomach to 'kill the baby in me', and make my cycle continue. Demented? I know. I'm still naive, still learning on my own.


Also, I can recall, an occasion when I was crazily angry this past summer- yet I can't remember why- but I remember that I wanted to feel something, even pain, so I began hitting myself. Mostly my face and thighs. I don't mean to tell this to receive any pity or whatever, it's just a fact- a confession of mine. I sometimes experience many feelings to the extreme too.


Au revoir, les amis.(:

I once believed I had died.

For several years after the occurrence, I had convinced myself and a few others that I had died for a short time and then 'came back', which I of course now realize is absolutely ridiculous and absurd, but as a child, as any child, the brain is still under development and can easily be corrupted and things can be skewed.


It was one summer up in camp in Canada, someone had firecrackers and was setting them off on cabin porches. I wasn't afraid of them, until unknowingly someone had set one off RIGHT BESIDE ME and it scared me so badly- my mind instantly jumped to the time I was in a car accident (which might have been earlier that year, or sometime more previous in the past- I can't quite recall). Although I was very claustrophobic at the time, I was so frightened that I hid under one of the beds, shaking and panting. Someone had set off another firecracker, but in the room, and it scared me even more. Like I had been right after the car crash, I was tired exhausted. I don't remember falling asleep, but I remember seeing blackness, then out of the blackness there was a triangle of light, and it began to grow larger and larger- until nothingness: when I woke up. But I don't remember waking up, I was just awake and aware all of a sudden, although it took me a few minutes to recollect what had happened. This is the truth, I must confess, I thought I had died, but now I realize how foolish that is. 


Au revoir, les amis.(:

I wish I were taller!

Honestly, in a group of taller people, it makes me feel claustrophobic. So yes, I am afraid of tall people to an extent.xP It's like driving in a really tiny car on a highway and some big rigs surround you.D: If I had longer legs I'd be able to reach things up high better, and jump over things further! I wouldn't have to look up to people, and those who are shorter would then look up to me.(: It's childish, but true. But no matter how short or tall I'll ever be, I'll always walk with my chin up.


Au revoir, les amis.(:

I washed my hair with dog shampoo

Yesterday, the twenty-second of September, in fact. I needed to shower, and there was no shampoo or conditioner, and my dog Romeo had gotten a bath earlier, so it was kinda convenient. What else was I to do?!xp I just hope it doesn't affect my hair negatively, and HEY- at least I wont get any ticks or fleas.(; 

Au revoir, les amis.(:

I absolutely love thrifted/ vintage things

Although I may sometimes ask, "Is it sad that most of my things (clothing, mostly) are thrifted?" I actually take pride in that fact, because HEY, I get a LOT of cute things (in my personal opinion) that are for cheap cheap! In my thoughts, I'd rather buy many adorable things without a brand name plastered across it, than spend fifty plus dollars on a pair of jeans.

My favorite stores include: Salvation Army, Goodwill, and the Mount Joy Gift and Thrift. I like to try to find things that are so bizarre- ugly even- and trying to rock it. Many times I have come across a crazy ugly shirt, sweater, or pants, gape at it and giggle to myself, and sometimes, buy it.(;

Like big ole' ugly sweaters, I love them and own manyy. I can't wait for chillier weather so I can wear the newer ones I've got!

Until next time,
Au revoir, les amis.(:

I am quite forgetful

I wish I had a better memory. I often think of writing myself reminders, but after a while I always stop. It’s not really intentional, I’m just not good at keeping routines for myself. That’s also why I simply can’t stick to a diet/exercise plan, which I have tried to several times. It’s also hard for me to stick to a project, so I have many that I’ve started, then stopped, them sometimes come back to, then stop again, and so fourth. I do believe it has something to do with my intension span, which I wish I could change/lengthen. But then again, it keeps me from holding any grudges against people (except one, maybe two..). So I simply CAN’T HATE, because I usually let go too quickly. Sometimes I wish I could stay dedicatedly angry at a person, so that they know whatever it was they may have done was wrong, and to prevent anything related happening again. So I am left to wonder, is this part of me good or bad, and can it be helped?

Who knows how long I will stick to this, this blog, this project, and continue to reveal more in depth and unusual confessions..

What the hell, au revoir, les amis.(: