Nobody knows me like my coworkers...

I am the most myself at work.
But, what is myself? 
Silly. Weird. Obnoxious. Angry. Lighthearted. Mischievous. Downright odd. Must I go on?
I only wish I was always comfortable to act my true self, instead of the shy awkward person many people know me as. 
But, I guess being shy and awkward is also me being myself.. 
Just not the side of me that I prefer.

Au revoir, les amis.(:


Never learned to...? Semi-ashamed.

I confess, I have never learned to swim under water, while holding my breath, without the use of a hand or nose clamp thinger to keep my nose closed.): 
Kiiinda embarrassing to me.
So to compensate I sort of had to learn to swim well with the use of only one arm. 
I think I can still swim pretty quickly my way. 
I don't know why I never learned. 
It may be because nobody every took the time to teach me. 
I would like to be able to swim under water without having to hold my nose shut, but I'm unable to. 

Au revoir, les amis!(:


Can't believe I forgot to mention an obvious!

The end of this month will mark a year- since I've shaved my legs. Or.. Haven't shaved my legs.. Whatever, I got about a year's worth of hair growth on my legs, sexy.(; 

Many people ask WHHHYYY?? And honestly, I tell them I don't remember why anymore. Call it laziness. Call me a freak. Call me whatever, I love my boy-legs.(x 

I think it was originally to participate No Shave November, then I began thinking, "why do I shave my legs?" Seriously, WHY is it generally socially unacceptable amongst people for girls not to shave their legs? I remember this hippy girl I used to be friends with, and she usually wore pants, so I was shocked one  day when she wore a skirt and I saw her hairy legs. I also admired her bravery to stand out, and several years later, after she and I had went our separate ways as fate directed, I thought of her, in regards to my situation. If she could do it.. or, not do it... If she could be free, so could I! Now, I'm not calling myself a hippie, but seriously, whooo caress? It's probably just a phase of mine, we'll see how long it lasts. And hey, I AM saving monies by not shaving my legs, ya know!(: 

Some people get freaked out by it, some people think it is totally awesome and ask to feel my legs, I find either very humorous.(x My mum hates it.;D I remember on one occasion a girl was sort of standing up for me when in my frustration I was trying to explain, or more so ask, why do girls 'have' to shave their legs? This person was saying that ladies began during the depression, when there was a shortage of nylons, and also painted a line down the back of their legs to make it appear that they were wearing nylons- so HA.(:

Why don't all men shave their armpits? Even I think that's gross! When a guy puts his arm up, and there's  like, a wing of armpit hair just hanging out- like, EW. I wonder if that makes me a hypocrite? I think I'm making wayyy to big a deal of this than I should be. Ahh, well.

Au revoir, les amis.(;


I sometimes fear that I will never be truly happy

And I'm horribly honest about this. I often feel like I will NEVER be content. Sometimes I purchase things thinking that they will better my life in some way, or bring some joy to me, and sure they may- for a short period of time. Then those items just become burdens to me, in most cases, especially when it goes on neglected and I keep thinking in the back of my mind "why did I waste money on that when I don't even use it, and could have saved that money for something else?" 

I have a really tough decision when I'm buying things, because I wonder whether or not I will be satisfied with the purchase. Like today. My checking account had about 1250, but now has... ohh, 1000ish? Yup. It took me HOURS to finally hit the 'Submit Purchase' button. No joke. And it's because of the previously mentioned reasons. I am now expecting several things in the mail. Will it all be worth it? I sure as hell hope so. 

So the main reason why I think I will never be happy is because of ALL THESE THINGS- these things in life that just hang around and take up space. I should like to rid of a lot of it- I plan to do so when I repaint my room. Hopefully I am able to let go of useless shit! Somehow, I am doubtful about that, sadly./: BUT NO! I will try my best! And why? (I am mostly aiming this question towards myself) Because THAT'S WHAT I IMMENSELY WANT.(:

The times that I AM truly, sincerely happy is when I'm with friends! On adventures! Doing stupid shit!(: There is absolutely nothing that I can think of that is better. They are the good times- best times, of my life.(: 

And that's another truth, confession of mine.

Au revoir, les amis!


Guitar fetish

I'm not going to deny
what I can't hide.(;
It's a thing that developed over time. When I got my first guitar, I enjoyed playing it, (chords more so than individual notes) but wasn't yet avid and intrigued by  guitars as I am today. So I can't say exactly when I became so in love with guitars- playing them, listening to others play, and simply looking at them.
I myself now own three- a smaller sized one which I received when I was around thirteen or possibly younger- and not one of those dinky 'my first guitar' child ones either. My second one I bought at the end of sophomore year for two hundred bucks from a girl that was in my ceramics class that didn't play it but maybe twice: her parents bought it for her for Christmas for about four hundred and fifty dollars. That saddens me, when people have something as beautiful as a guitar and just let it sit- it's such a waste.): The beaut is a large Washburn, with such a wonderful loud sound, compared to my first guitar. My third and most recent guitar is a sunburst colored Epiphone, pre-owned. I got that one for one hundred bucks.(: My mum hasn't yet let me get an amp, BUT my (awesome) uncle says that he may have one that I may borrow; might bring it over tomorrow, hopefully.(: 
Like I said before, I LOVE guitars, even though I'm nowhere near being an expert player, I mostly make up my own melodies. Two weeks ago a friend of mine was at my house, and I was transfixed on the music he produced so easily, watching his fingers move up and down the neck. I can't describe how amazing it was, besides that there was so much talent that I wanted to vomit. And yes, that was supposed to be flattering.(x 
In my physics class the teacher has a guitar that is kept in the front of the room, and I've often thought of asking him if I may play it. It taunts me. But the past two days it hasn't been there, and I found that kind of upsetting./: I want to hold it. I want to tune it. I want to play it! To listen to it's sound, to feel the glossy woo- ...I think I'm getting a bit carried away...
Sometimes while listening to my iPod, I focus on only the sound of the guitar(s), turning the volume way up so that the wonderful noise becomes me, all throughout my mind and every inch of my being- I get the shivers from it sometimes, and it is simply amazing.

Au revoir, les amis!(:


I used to punch myself.

Discretion is advised for the proceeding confession. Thank you.(:

The title refers to my stomach, more specifically. And I had a reason, though it was pretty unreasonable. I heard rumor when I was a couple years younger, that people could catch diseases from toilet seats, and that a person (well, a female, of course) got pregnant via le toilet seat. So when I missed my period for 2 plus months, I began to get fearful that  I somehow magically got pregnant, so I punched my stomach to 'kill the baby in me', and make my cycle continue. Demented? I know. I'm still naive, still learning on my own.

Also, I can recall, an occasion when I was crazily angry this past summer- yet I can't remember why- but I remember that I wanted to feel something, even pain, so I began hitting myself. Mostly my face and thighs. I don't mean to tell this to receive any pity or whatever, it's just a fact- a confession of mine. I sometimes experience many feelings to the extreme too.

Au revoir, les amis.(: