I remember sitting on a friend's lap on a warm summer night, staring into a fire, half dazed, smiling. I was perfectly happy then. Right now reading a book describing sunshine, I almost believed I was under it's light, until looking up out the window, noticing the dark and dreary sky. Right now I long for that fiery ball. I want to make it mine.
And just yesterday I had felt so terrible, worrying about the safety of my beloved grandparents, jeopardized by the presence of my distraught and pregnant sister. How can they be so caring for her, under such circumstances? There is nothing I can do about the situation, though closely related. I haven't the time or energy to spare on a grand equation such as the web of problems she has managed to entwine into her own life. I've grown cold to her, gave up on any chance of friendship, which such occasions were so rare, dappled with fear and pain.
The heat of worry and intent to change that I carry is held for the fate concerning myself, more so. But which of my problems, the true fears kept silent, are matters of importance? Am I living the good life? Is there something better for me, if I had the courage to change something? Torn between my own contradictions within myself; opinions- over statuses such as and relatable to the usual: weight; smoking; money; a car and license; grades; relationships; my social level; schooling (current and further); musical and art opportunities (for the present and future); health; independence; my need for braces; religion; and lastly: my lack of motivation to make any lasting changes about hardly any of these. The last is my biggest fear and problem, for it seems to affect so much.
Maybe the best I can do right at this moment as these thoughts bleed from my mind is to give my full attention to tasks at hand, such as reading for Contemporary Literature, which I am behind on. But right now I'd rather be making plans, or steps, to take in the near future for my life concerning my previous list of troubles...
The only thing stopping me is the breach of knowing what to do. Where to go. What to say.. Maybe later, when my thoughts are not so scrambled.
But how easy it would be to solve most my problems with our earthly currency! What a relationship I have, with money, of love and hate. How I've earned and spent so much in the past year, trying to please myself!
How I could go for some hot broth, a comfortable chair, and meaningful conversation. How i wish I could live in this calm, reflective mood on command..
And oh, how I ramble.(x
On a more current situation, my mum has agree to take me to Salvation Army today, where many of my clothes and things are purchased from. Though it feels so rewarding, finding great things for minimal amounts of cash, I really probably shouldn't. Do I need to go, more than I need to read my assigned pages? More than I need to clean my room? More than I need to go through my 1,000+ emails? I am quite behind on those three things.
Usually, normally, I would have put those priorities in the back of my mind. What makes today different, my process of thinking altered?
Has my episode of intoxication yesterday washed away the worries I stressed over under 24 hours ago? Amazing. Simply astounding. Quite astonishing. I surely don't feel as worried. The beginning of the end of my grief came with inspirational song, possibly by coincidental fate, the words being:
"It all comes down to this,
You make your best shot- might miss.
You take it anyways, gonna make your move today.
You've got the will- you'll find a way
To change the world someday.
And your world will never change,
Unless you decide to change it.
Grab this moment before it's gone-
Today's your day, it's on."
If only I could remember those words always. At least it's fresh in my mind now; hopefully I can become a perpetual motion machine, and get on the right track for me, snowballing all my awesomeness with the great potential I am told and believed to have.(:
But I still feel the need for a paradigm shift, or at least a conclusion for today..
My life is an organized mess, yes? Yes.
Au revoir, les amis.(: