Sometimes I fear that I am wasting my days as a kid. In only six months I will be what the kids call 'legal'. Scary thought? You betcha- for me at least. I'm not really sure what to think of that.. I'm afraid that I haven't done all the things that I should and could have in my youth.
Hah, look at me, talking about my life like it's already a yesterday.(x
Though my time on this earth is short, I still got enough to make something with it.
Just like my best friend's neighbor said- "McLaughlin... McLaughlin... McLAUGHLIN! McLAUGHLIN..."
Wait... Wrong quote.(x
Well, this neighbor of hers has told me a lot of great advice that I hope to never forget. Such things like (and I am paraphrasing here) "You're not going to go anywhere sitting around at home. You gotta go out and meet people!" Which is so true..
I can't specifically think of all the things he's said, but I know there's been lots of great (and a lot of crazy) words that has passed his lips.:J
But back to my fear:
Afraid that I'm not doing enough with my time.
On sort of a side note: I watched a rather good movie today called Dark Days, which gave me a slight paradigm shift. It really made me want to make the best and most with what I've got, to not be so greedy, and to be able to be content with what I've already got- but it mostly made me want to cook.(x
Anyways, I think I've spilled enough of my brain junk onto this digital canvas.
Au revoir, les amis.(:
2/29/12
Personal Problems and Brain Vomit
I remember sitting on a friend's lap on a warm summer night, staring into a fire, half dazed, smiling. I was perfectly happy then. Right now reading a book describing sunshine, I almost believed I was under it's light, until looking up out the window, noticing the dark and dreary sky. Right now I long for that fiery ball. I want to make it mine.
And just yesterday I had felt so terrible, worrying about the safety of my beloved grandparents, jeopardized by the presence of my distraught and pregnant sister. How can they be so caring for her, under such circumstances? There is nothing I can do about the situation, though closely related. I haven't the time or energy to spare on a grand equation such as the web of problems she has managed to entwine into her own life. I've grown cold to her, gave up on any chance of friendship, which such occasions were so rare, dappled with fear and pain.
The heat of worry and intent to change that I carry is held for the fate concerning myself, more so. But which of my problems, the true fears kept silent, are matters of importance? Am I living the good life? Is there something better for me, if I had the courage to change something? Torn between my own contradictions within myself; opinions- over statuses such as and relatable to the usual: weight; smoking; money; a car and license; grades; relationships; my social level; schooling (current and further); musical and art opportunities (for the present and future); health; independence; my need for braces; religion; and lastly: my lack of motivation to make any lasting changes about hardly any of these. The last is my biggest fear and problem, for it seems to affect so much.
Maybe the best I can do right at this moment as these thoughts bleed from my mind is to give my full attention to tasks at hand, such as reading for Contemporary Literature, which I am behind on. But right now I'd rather be making plans, or steps, to take in the near future for my life concerning my previous list of troubles...
The only thing stopping me is the breach of knowing what to do. Where to go. What to say.. Maybe later, when my thoughts are not so scrambled.
But how easy it would be to solve most my problems with our earthly currency! What a relationship I have, with money, of love and hate. How I've earned and spent so much in the past year, trying to please myself!
How I could go for some hot broth, a comfortable chair, and meaningful conversation. How i wish I could live in this calm, reflective mood on command..
And oh, how I ramble.(x
On a more current situation, my mum has agree to take me to Salvation Army today, where many of my clothes and things are purchased from. Though it feels so rewarding, finding great things for minimal amounts of cash, I really probably shouldn't. Do I need to go, more than I need to read my assigned pages? More than I need to clean my room? More than I need to go through my 1,000+ emails? I am quite behind on those three things.
Usually, normally, I would have put those priorities in the back of my mind. What makes today different, my process of thinking altered?
Has my episode of intoxication yesterday washed away the worries I stressed over under 24 hours ago? Amazing. Simply astounding. Quite astonishing. I surely don't feel as worried. The beginning of the end of my grief came with inspirational song, possibly by coincidental fate, the words being:
"It all comes down to this,
You make your best shot- might miss.
You take it anyways, gonna make your move today.
You've got the will- you'll find a way
To change the world someday.
And your world will never change,
Unless you decide to change it.
Grab this moment before it's gone-
Today's your day, it's on."
If only I could remember those words always. At least it's fresh in my mind now; hopefully I can become a perpetual motion machine, and get on the right track for me, snowballing all my awesomeness with the great potential I am told and believed to have.(:
But I still feel the need for a paradigm shift, or at least a conclusion for today..
My life is an organized mess, yes? Yes.
Au revoir, les amis.(:
And just yesterday I had felt so terrible, worrying about the safety of my beloved grandparents, jeopardized by the presence of my distraught and pregnant sister. How can they be so caring for her, under such circumstances? There is nothing I can do about the situation, though closely related. I haven't the time or energy to spare on a grand equation such as the web of problems she has managed to entwine into her own life. I've grown cold to her, gave up on any chance of friendship, which such occasions were so rare, dappled with fear and pain.
The heat of worry and intent to change that I carry is held for the fate concerning myself, more so. But which of my problems, the true fears kept silent, are matters of importance? Am I living the good life? Is there something better for me, if I had the courage to change something? Torn between my own contradictions within myself; opinions- over statuses such as and relatable to the usual: weight; smoking; money; a car and license; grades; relationships; my social level; schooling (current and further); musical and art opportunities (for the present and future); health; independence; my need for braces; religion; and lastly: my lack of motivation to make any lasting changes about hardly any of these. The last is my biggest fear and problem, for it seems to affect so much.
Maybe the best I can do right at this moment as these thoughts bleed from my mind is to give my full attention to tasks at hand, such as reading for Contemporary Literature, which I am behind on. But right now I'd rather be making plans, or steps, to take in the near future for my life concerning my previous list of troubles...
The only thing stopping me is the breach of knowing what to do. Where to go. What to say.. Maybe later, when my thoughts are not so scrambled.
But how easy it would be to solve most my problems with our earthly currency! What a relationship I have, with money, of love and hate. How I've earned and spent so much in the past year, trying to please myself!
How I could go for some hot broth, a comfortable chair, and meaningful conversation. How i wish I could live in this calm, reflective mood on command..
And oh, how I ramble.(x
On a more current situation, my mum has agree to take me to Salvation Army today, where many of my clothes and things are purchased from. Though it feels so rewarding, finding great things for minimal amounts of cash, I really probably shouldn't. Do I need to go, more than I need to read my assigned pages? More than I need to clean my room? More than I need to go through my 1,000+ emails? I am quite behind on those three things.
Usually, normally, I would have put those priorities in the back of my mind. What makes today different, my process of thinking altered?
Has my episode of intoxication yesterday washed away the worries I stressed over under 24 hours ago? Amazing. Simply astounding. Quite astonishing. I surely don't feel as worried. The beginning of the end of my grief came with inspirational song, possibly by coincidental fate, the words being:
"It all comes down to this,
You make your best shot- might miss.
You take it anyways, gonna make your move today.
You've got the will- you'll find a way
To change the world someday.
And your world will never change,
Unless you decide to change it.
Grab this moment before it's gone-
Today's your day, it's on."
If only I could remember those words always. At least it's fresh in my mind now; hopefully I can become a perpetual motion machine, and get on the right track for me, snowballing all my awesomeness with the great potential I am told and believed to have.(:
But I still feel the need for a paradigm shift, or at least a conclusion for today..
My life is an organized mess, yes? Yes.
Au revoir, les amis.(:
12/30/11
Essays vs. ADD
I have, through a number of stupid online tests, diagnosed myself with ADD.
And I wish I could say I was kidding, wish I could say it's a joke, wish I could say I'm over exaggerating, but I am not. I have, several times, tried to explain my situation to my mum, but the woman says, "You're too smart for that." I doubt I'm the only one that can say this makes no sense. I have come to learn that people with ADD and ADHD are experts at math, for whatever reason. Throughout my childhood I have been placed in advanced math classes. Coincidence? I think not.
But the fact that I do well with arithmetic means next to nothing.
Time for elaboration:
My mind is ALWAYS wandering. Especially from things that I find uninteresting or difficult.
I have a VERY difficult time reading material that isn't interesting fairly easy.
Especially in groups, it's hard for me to stay focused on what is being said in conversations.
Do I have a quick temper? Yes. And I forgive and forget almost instantly- because I can't at all help it.
I can get annoyed by the strangest, littlest things.
I say things without thinking, and as soon as I speak, I regret having said anything at all. The only excuse I have come up with for this is that I talk just to make a sound, because half the time, I don't even mean what I say.
My moods have their highs, and their lows.
I have THE MOST DIFFICULT TIME planning in what order to do a series of tasks or activites. I'm horrible at it.
I answer questions before the question is fully asked. This actually happens quite frequently. I usually say "no" or ask "what?" instantly.
I'm working on many many projects currently, and none are getting done.
There is a lot of static and chatter in my head, like a tv has all the channels on. QQQWWWIIISHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
My mind gets ssssoooo cluttered, that it literally is hard for me to function. It honestly keeps me up at night; I have trouble sleeping because of it.
My thoughts bounce around in my mind like a ball in a pinball machine.
I NEVER STOP DAYDREAMING... Sometimes, that's all I do, AND I AM UNABLE TO DO ANYTHING AT ALL BECAUSE OF IT.
I am wholly distressed by the disorganized way my brain works.
I wish I could get help with this, because I believe my life could be SO MUCH BETTER if I could get my head on straight. Honestly, I feel like a piece of shit filler-to-the-world of a person, and am extremely terrified that I will never make a move to accomplish my goals. That I'm just floating along with no real destination except what is given to me, and nothing more. I (of course) dream bigger than myself. It's that damn daydreaming. Just the thought of clear thinking, to be more determined and set straight... The mere thought excites me.
Today, I stared at the computer screen for over an hour, trying to think of what words to use in my essay, on a damn book I haven't even read half of, and I became so frustrated with not knowing what the hell to put, because I cannot stay focused for the life of me. It really upsets me. I should be working on it know, but I'm still lost for words. Still worth a try
Au revoir, les amis.(:
And I wish I could say I was kidding, wish I could say it's a joke, wish I could say I'm over exaggerating, but I am not. I have, several times, tried to explain my situation to my mum, but the woman says, "You're too smart for that." I doubt I'm the only one that can say this makes no sense. I have come to learn that people with ADD and ADHD are experts at math, for whatever reason. Throughout my childhood I have been placed in advanced math classes. Coincidence? I think not.
But the fact that I do well with arithmetic means next to nothing.
Time for elaboration:
My mind is ALWAYS wandering. Especially from things that I find uninteresting or difficult.
I have a VERY difficult time reading material that isn't interesting fairly easy.
Especially in groups, it's hard for me to stay focused on what is being said in conversations.
Do I have a quick temper? Yes. And I forgive and forget almost instantly- because I can't at all help it.
I can get annoyed by the strangest, littlest things.
I say things without thinking, and as soon as I speak, I regret having said anything at all. The only excuse I have come up with for this is that I talk just to make a sound, because half the time, I don't even mean what I say.
My moods have their highs, and their lows.
I have THE MOST DIFFICULT TIME planning in what order to do a series of tasks or activites. I'm horrible at it.
I answer questions before the question is fully asked. This actually happens quite frequently. I usually say "no" or ask "what?" instantly.
I'm working on many many projects currently, and none are getting done.
There is a lot of static and chatter in my head, like a tv has all the channels on. QQQWWWIIISHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
My mind gets ssssoooo cluttered, that it literally is hard for me to function. It honestly keeps me up at night; I have trouble sleeping because of it.
My thoughts bounce around in my mind like a ball in a pinball machine.
I NEVER STOP DAYDREAMING... Sometimes, that's all I do, AND I AM UNABLE TO DO ANYTHING AT ALL BECAUSE OF IT.
I am wholly distressed by the disorganized way my brain works.
I wish I could get help with this, because I believe my life could be SO MUCH BETTER if I could get my head on straight. Honestly, I feel like a piece of shit filler-to-the-world of a person, and am extremely terrified that I will never make a move to accomplish my goals. That I'm just floating along with no real destination except what is given to me, and nothing more. I (of course) dream bigger than myself. It's that damn daydreaming. Just the thought of clear thinking, to be more determined and set straight... The mere thought excites me.
Today, I stared at the computer screen for over an hour, trying to think of what words to use in my essay, on a damn book I haven't even read half of, and I became so frustrated with not knowing what the hell to put, because I cannot stay focused for the life of me. It really upsets me. I should be working on it know, but I'm still lost for words. Still worth a try
Au revoir, les amis.(:
12/10/11
An Addiction
Off the pill?
What pill?
Anti depression pill.
And glad to be.
Though it made me feel in a giddy mood when I took it...
Well, that's why I'm glad I stopped.
It made me feel sort of 'high' when I took more than I was supposed to.
I would take 300, sometimes even 450 mg a day, though 150 was my prescribed dosage.
I had convinced myself and my doctor that I still was not well, and that my dosage should be upped from 150 to 300, in hopes that I would be able to take even MORE once my body got accustomed to 300 mg per day. But I had a slight suprise when the actual pill changed, from a little purple thing, which contained 150 mg, to a white one, which contained 300 mg. I honestly thought that I'd have to take two purple ones instead of this new one every morning- that that would be the only change. Even the side effects were different. They didn't make me feel very giddy anymore. I just got absolutely terrible stomach aches. So, I stopped taking the pills alltogether. Aside from when I'm on my period (aren't I so open?), or when a bad event happens, I don't feel like a depressed piece of crap anymore.;D I don't think my doctor knows this yet, because I have not been to an appointment recently. She'll be proud of me, I'm sure.(:
Au revoir, les amis.(:
What pill?
Anti depression pill.
And glad to be.
Though it made me feel in a giddy mood when I took it...
Well, that's why I'm glad I stopped.
It made me feel sort of 'high' when I took more than I was supposed to.
I would take 300, sometimes even 450 mg a day, though 150 was my prescribed dosage.
I had convinced myself and my doctor that I still was not well, and that my dosage should be upped from 150 to 300, in hopes that I would be able to take even MORE once my body got accustomed to 300 mg per day. But I had a slight suprise when the actual pill changed, from a little purple thing, which contained 150 mg, to a white one, which contained 300 mg. I honestly thought that I'd have to take two purple ones instead of this new one every morning- that that would be the only change. Even the side effects were different. They didn't make me feel very giddy anymore. I just got absolutely terrible stomach aches. So, I stopped taking the pills alltogether. Aside from when I'm on my period (aren't I so open?), or when a bad event happens, I don't feel like a depressed piece of crap anymore.;D I don't think my doctor knows this yet, because I have not been to an appointment recently. She'll be proud of me, I'm sure.(:
Au revoir, les amis.(:
12/1/11
Socially awkward
I am. Very.
I guess I just don't know how to interact with people very well.
My fault?
I blame my parrents.
For not letting me go to preschool, for keeping me home all the time, especially in my early years. I believe that it was that specific habitat that formed me to be this way. To be this shy. Sure, I have my moments when I reach out to others, outside of my comfort zone, but most of the time, I... Just don't know how to interact with others.
Maybe I just spend too much time by myself.
Lonerrrr.
But alas, I do have friends, friends that I love and can be myself around, and who love me for myself.(:
What a great life.:D
I'm not being concited, but people just love me.
My awkwardness is a part of me, and, like the rest of me, is kinda awesome.(:
Au revoir, les amis.(;
I guess I just don't know how to interact with people very well.
My fault?
I blame my parrents.
For not letting me go to preschool, for keeping me home all the time, especially in my early years. I believe that it was that specific habitat that formed me to be this way. To be this shy. Sure, I have my moments when I reach out to others, outside of my comfort zone, but most of the time, I... Just don't know how to interact with others.
Maybe I just spend too much time by myself.
Lonerrrr.
But alas, I do have friends, friends that I love and can be myself around, and who love me for myself.(:
What a great life.:D
I'm not being concited, but people just love me.
My awkwardness is a part of me, and, like the rest of me, is kinda awesome.(:
Au revoir, les amis.(;
11/16/11
Makeup vs. No Makeup?
I usually only ever wear eyeliner. The occasional mascara too.
I never really got into makeup/ cosmetics/ whatever. I don't know whether it's because i was never taught how to properly apply it, or because I just don't care.
Probably the second reason.
BUT I did recently buy a palette of eyeshadow, because it was cheap, and there were so many colors! If I were to put on eyeshadow, I wouldn't be able to to wear it without it being some work of 'art', 'cause that's how I sees it. Does that even make sense?
Au revoir, les amis.(:
I never really got into makeup/ cosmetics/ whatever. I don't know whether it's because i was never taught how to properly apply it, or because I just don't care.
Probably the second reason.
BUT I did recently buy a palette of eyeshadow, because it was cheap, and there were so many colors! If I were to put on eyeshadow, I wouldn't be able to to wear it without it being some work of 'art', 'cause that's how I sees it. Does that even make sense?
Au revoir, les amis.(:
11/5/11
I don't enjoy the same music as you
I like my own, and I think it's a pretty interesting collection thus far. But how to describe my taste in music? Best words to describe it would probably be: Indie, Alternative, Experimental, Eclectic, British Rock, Folk, Indie Rock, Oldies, Psychedelic, and so on... Oh, did I mention Indie?(;
Currently, as most people know, (or at least should know) Modest Mouse is my absolute favorite. Whenever people tell me they don't know who Modest Mouse is, don't know who Issac Brock is, I usually look at them like there's a giant squid on their face. I just don't understand how people can go through life without experiencing Modest Mouse. <333
Other favorites of mine include: Bright Eyes, The Gorillaz, The Rakes, MGMT, OK Go, Givers, NeverShoutNever, Vampire Weekend, The Temper Trap, Daughter, Superchick, The Mountain Goats, Danielle Ate the Sandwich, Pink Floyd, The Killers, Grizzly Bear, Beck, Blur, Calvin Harris, North of Ping Pong, The White Stripes, Matt & Kim, Jape.... Shite like that; must I go on?(:
I'm not really into the music most of my friends listen to. I'm not going to pretend that I do in attempt to 'fit in'. I dislike screamo. I dislike hiphop pop and rap shit. I don't really enjoy many female singers. I'm not sure why. But there are some songs in these areas that I deem decent.
I feel weird when my friends are playing music and singing along to any certain song that I'm not really familiar with. I sing along to my own music.(: I plug in my iPod, and, as others get to experience my *cough awesome cough* music, I sing 'I WAS BORN A UNICORN, I MISSED THE ARK AND I COULD HAVE SWORN, YOU'D WAIT FOR MEEEE' or 'A NICE HEART AND A WHITE SUIT AND A BABY BLUE SEDAN, AND I AM DOING THE BEST THAT I CAN'.. I sing it loud, and I sing it proud.(: I sing a lot louder when I'm at home, by myself. I haven't gotten any complaints from the neighbors, yet.
I really love it when I put my iPod on shuffle, and it plays a perfect combination of songs to fit my current mood. It's like a drug for me, because it just makes me feel amazing, and I nod my head, and tap my feet, and smile like the dork I am.(:
Au revoir, les amis.(:
Currently, as most people know, (or at least should know) Modest Mouse is my absolute favorite. Whenever people tell me they don't know who Modest Mouse is, don't know who Issac Brock is, I usually look at them like there's a giant squid on their face. I just don't understand how people can go through life without experiencing Modest Mouse. <333
Other favorites of mine include: Bright Eyes, The Gorillaz, The Rakes, MGMT, OK Go, Givers, NeverShoutNever, Vampire Weekend, The Temper Trap, Daughter, Superchick, The Mountain Goats, Danielle Ate the Sandwich, Pink Floyd, The Killers, Grizzly Bear, Beck, Blur, Calvin Harris, North of Ping Pong, The White Stripes, Matt & Kim, Jape.... Shite like that; must I go on?(:
I'm not really into the music most of my friends listen to. I'm not going to pretend that I do in attempt to 'fit in'. I dislike screamo. I dislike hiphop pop and rap shit. I don't really enjoy many female singers. I'm not sure why. But there are some songs in these areas that I deem decent.
I feel weird when my friends are playing music and singing along to any certain song that I'm not really familiar with. I sing along to my own music.(: I plug in my iPod, and, as others get to experience my *cough awesome cough* music, I sing 'I WAS BORN A UNICORN, I MISSED THE ARK AND I COULD HAVE SWORN, YOU'D WAIT FOR MEEEE' or 'A NICE HEART AND A WHITE SUIT AND A BABY BLUE SEDAN, AND I AM DOING THE BEST THAT I CAN'.. I sing it loud, and I sing it proud.(: I sing a lot louder when I'm at home, by myself. I haven't gotten any complaints from the neighbors, yet.
I really love it when I put my iPod on shuffle, and it plays a perfect combination of songs to fit my current mood. It's like a drug for me, because it just makes me feel amazing, and I nod my head, and tap my feet, and smile like the dork I am.(:
Au revoir, les amis.(:
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